Archive for May, 2015

Take The Bully By The Horns

May 29, 2015

I have in my home library for some time, “Take The Bully By The Horns,” by Sam Horn.  I don’t know why I am even afraid to read it.  But reading it in pieces is helping.  Strange fact: Sam Horn is a woman.  Great, a book about bullying and the author is hiding behind a masculine name.

Anyway, on page 23 is a summary of the bully’s beliefs/behaviors, and the other column is the helpful beliefs/behaviors.  I will put what I think is helpful on one line, since I don’t really know how to make tables in WordPress.

1.  Harmful: Feels inferior, so belittles others to feel big. “This is full of mistakes. You really messed up.”

Helpful: Feel secure, so no need to prove self.  “Let’s talk about how this could be improved.

2. Harmful:  Compulsive need to control. “I’ll take care of this. If it’s going to get done right, I have to handle it.”

Helpful:  Likes to share control.  “If we divvy this up, we can get it finished today.”

3. Harmful: Burning desire to win. “I don’t care why they put you in charge. You’re not up to the task.”

Helpful: Seeks a win-win. “Together we can do a quality job.”

4. Harmful: Arrogant, convinced has no faults. “Why am I only one who can be counted on to do things right?”

Helpful: Confident, admits faults.  “It was my fault that I didn’t clarify those instructions.”

5. Harmful: Absence of remorse. “Nobody ever cared about me, so why should I care about them?”

Helpful: Takes responsibility. “I’m going to apologize for making a joke at her expense.”

6. Harmful: No negative consequences and no conscience.  “These people just let anyone push them around. What wimps.”

Helpful: Holds self and others accountable and answers to conscience. “Taking my anger out at you was uncalled for. I’m sorry.”

7. Harmful: Feels bully behavior is justified. “I’m tired of being jerked around. She’s going to pay for this.”

Helpful: Feels assertive behavior is right. “I’m going to speak up and let her know that is unacceptable.”

8. Harmful: Lakes another way. “Get out of my way. I hate you!”

Helpful: Learns another way. “I’m going to sign up for that people skills class.”

Now I can see what motivates that bully Noe.  He is a bully because of the situation Nos. 1, 4, 7.  I say no. 1 because  when he is telling a story, a joke, clowning, talking about one of  his favorite subject, food, he becomes animated. But if you (meaning me) do not laugh or understand his joke, or agree to his plan for a party, or are even invited to his party, he will point it out. In front of the whole group he said, “Lydia doesn’t know that food is called tienga because she isn’t Mexican.” And when he made a spoof of Mexican gangsta music (of course I don’t listen to that), he became hostile and came up to me, and said in front of the whole group “What’s your problem?” And the time I moved away from the crowded desk to an empty row of desks, he said “Miss Lydia, why don’t you join the group?” and I said “Because it’s hot and I feel cooler here.” And he really got upset and said , “What?” And I explained I felt the heat from the others and I needed to cool down.  I think he has a trigger word, and that’s “cool.” Perhaps he was  because someone told him he wasn’t “cool.” That word makes him stop whatever he is saying mid-sentience and he would literally run over to me and look with knitted eyebrows and scowl.

Example:  On May 26, 2015, the room of 25 students, in at least four different groups, and it was loud in that class. Geraldo said in a low voice, “yeah, this is a cool table.”  Noe was 20 feet away, talking to a group of 6 students, and he stopped and ran over to me. He stood there right behind me.  I said ,”Okay, Geraldo, you were joking.”  Noe walked back to the group of 6 students.  Geraldo repeated his joke, saying “No, this is the cool table.”  I just turned my head and saw Noe staring at me, scowling.  I put my head down and said,  “Okay I am going to get in trouble for that.”  Gerald said, “No you aren’t.”  I said, Oh yea, even though you were the one talking and not me. No one is allowed to say that, even as a joke.  And you know what, ilt doesn’t matter who’s cool, because we are all the same in this class. Everybody!” Noe just stood there, staring at me and scowling.

Yep.

Yep.

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Guilty By Eavesdropping

May 27, 2015

So today in medical assistant school, in the lab class, I was sitting at the table with Geraldo and Jessica.  Just us three. Got that?  On our table, empty seat, then Jessica, then next table with Anisa, then Fran, then Alisa.  Across from Alisa, on other side is Matthew, then J, then Maria.  On the same side, but next table, Gerald, then me. Okay.

A new student came to sit at the table, in the empty next to Jessica and across from me.  Noe said to her to move to the other table (there are three tables), on the other side of the room.  As new student went away, Geraldo said “Hey, come back any time, because we are the cool table.”  Jessica said “why are we the cool table?” Geraldo said, “Because we just are, the cool table!”  I said, “Hey, don’t talk about coolness.  Somebody’s going to believe you.”  Gerald says (jokingly), “Why? We are the cool table.”  I said in a whisper, “You will get in trouble, believe me, just don’t say that.”  Gerald says, “No, nobody’s going to get in trouble.”  I said, whispering, “Yes, you will.  I will get in trouble.”  Jessica said, “What do you mean?  Why?”  I said, “Never mind.”  I look in the corner  of my mind, and I see Noe getting up and walking up to our table, stops at Geraldo, and walks back to the third table.  I don’t know what or why he did that.  I swear, he is only hearing the words “cool” and “we.”  I don’t know whether he thinks I said any such thing, but for some reason, this joking really ticks him off.  I think he was ready to say something to me.  Because why?  I don’t know.  It wasn’t like anybody was swearing or being mean.  Believe me, the students have said the “F” word and such things, and nobody bats an eye.  I never said anything mean or cursed.  But this Noe guy, he gets extremely upset if anybody says something about being a “cool table” or “cool group.”