Archive for the ‘bully’ Category

Take The Bully By The Horns

May 29, 2015

I have in my home library for some time, “Take The Bully By The Horns,” by Sam Horn.  I don’t know why I am even afraid to read it.  But reading it in pieces is helping.  Strange fact: Sam Horn is a woman.  Great, a book about bullying and the author is hiding behind a masculine name.

Anyway, on page 23 is a summary of the bully’s beliefs/behaviors, and the other column is the helpful beliefs/behaviors.  I will put what I think is helpful on one line, since I don’t really know how to make tables in WordPress.

1.  Harmful: Feels inferior, so belittles others to feel big. “This is full of mistakes. You really messed up.”

Helpful: Feel secure, so no need to prove self.  “Let’s talk about how this could be improved.

2. Harmful:  Compulsive need to control. “I’ll take care of this. If it’s going to get done right, I have to handle it.”

Helpful:  Likes to share control.  “If we divvy this up, we can get it finished today.”

3. Harmful: Burning desire to win. “I don’t care why they put you in charge. You’re not up to the task.”

Helpful: Seeks a win-win. “Together we can do a quality job.”

4. Harmful: Arrogant, convinced has no faults. “Why am I only one who can be counted on to do things right?”

Helpful: Confident, admits faults.  “It was my fault that I didn’t clarify those instructions.”

5. Harmful: Absence of remorse. “Nobody ever cared about me, so why should I care about them?”

Helpful: Takes responsibility. “I’m going to apologize for making a joke at her expense.”

6. Harmful: No negative consequences and no conscience.  “These people just let anyone push them around. What wimps.”

Helpful: Holds self and others accountable and answers to conscience. “Taking my anger out at you was uncalled for. I’m sorry.”

7. Harmful: Feels bully behavior is justified. “I’m tired of being jerked around. She’s going to pay for this.”

Helpful: Feels assertive behavior is right. “I’m going to speak up and let her know that is unacceptable.”

8. Harmful: Lakes another way. “Get out of my way. I hate you!”

Helpful: Learns another way. “I’m going to sign up for that people skills class.”

Now I can see what motivates that bully Noe.  He is a bully because of the situation Nos. 1, 4, 7.  I say no. 1 because  when he is telling a story, a joke, clowning, talking about one of  his favorite subject, food, he becomes animated. But if you (meaning me) do not laugh or understand his joke, or agree to his plan for a party, or are even invited to his party, he will point it out. In front of the whole group he said, “Lydia doesn’t know that food is called tienga because she isn’t Mexican.” And when he made a spoof of Mexican gangsta music (of course I don’t listen to that), he became hostile and came up to me, and said in front of the whole group “What’s your problem?” And the time I moved away from the crowded desk to an empty row of desks, he said “Miss Lydia, why don’t you join the group?” and I said “Because it’s hot and I feel cooler here.” And he really got upset and said , “What?” And I explained I felt the heat from the others and I needed to cool down.  I think he has a trigger word, and that’s “cool.” Perhaps he was  because someone told him he wasn’t “cool.” That word makes him stop whatever he is saying mid-sentience and he would literally run over to me and look with knitted eyebrows and scowl.

Example:  On May 26, 2015, the room of 25 students, in at least four different groups, and it was loud in that class. Geraldo said in a low voice, “yeah, this is a cool table.”  Noe was 20 feet away, talking to a group of 6 students, and he stopped and ran over to me. He stood there right behind me.  I said ,”Okay, Geraldo, you were joking.”  Noe walked back to the group of 6 students.  Geraldo repeated his joke, saying “No, this is the cool table.”  I just turned my head and saw Noe staring at me, scowling.  I put my head down and said,  “Okay I am going to get in trouble for that.”  Gerald said, “No you aren’t.”  I said, Oh yea, even though you were the one talking and not me. No one is allowed to say that, even as a joke.  And you know what, ilt doesn’t matter who’s cool, because we are all the same in this class. Everybody!” Noe just stood there, staring at me and scowling.

Yep.

Yep.